714 Days

* 102 weeks
* 17,136 hours
* 1,028,160 minutes
* 61,689,600 seconds
714 days since Hannah Grace left us, just 17 days after she arrived. It was the most trying, stretching, faith-filled 17 days of my life. It's still hard. Christmas was hard...Birthday Bash was hard...anytime the family gets together, you realize that she isn't there...we'll never have all 12 grandkids together this side of Heaven.



It's still difficult to accept that this was God's will. We all thought she would be our miracle baby. For 6 years, we watched the miracles in Mya's life...the fact that she was still alive baffled the doctors. But she was walking, talking, and could see & hear. There was no doubt for those 17 days (at least in my heart) that Hannah was going to be just fine. I hear stories of other micro-preemies who were prayed out of the NICU, and you wonder why that wasn't us, as well. You come to a point when you have to realize that the Will of God will never bring you where the Grace of God won't get you through. It sucks...I still don't see why this was "best"...and I know I probably won't understand that here on Earth.

Matthew West debuted a new single earlier this month, and it fits so perfectly here.

"Save a Place for Me"

Don't be mad if I cry
It just hurts so bad sometimes
'Cause everyday it's sinking in
And I have to say goodbye all over again
You know I bet it feels good to have
the weight of this world off your shoulders now
I'm dreaming of the day when I'm finally there with you

Save a place for me
Save a place for me
I'll be there soon
I'll be there soon
Save a place for me
Save some grace for me
I'll be there soon
I'll be there soon

I have asked the question why
But I guess the answer's for another time
So instead I'll pray with every tear
And be thankful for the time I had you here
And I wanna live my life just like you did
Make the most of my time just like you did
And I wanna make my home up in the sky
Just like you did
Oh, but until I get there
Until I get there

Save a place for me
Save a place for me
I'll be there soon
I'll be there soon
Save a place for me
Save some grace for me
I'll be there soon
I'll be there soon


Happy 2nd Birthday, Hannah Grace!! Can't wait until we're dancing with the angels together!

Hannah's Blogs
Hannah's CaringBridge Site


Time Calculations as listed above

One Year

January 10, 2008. 6:15pm. It wasn’t a normal phone call. Your aunt’s in the hospital…24 weeks pregnant…HELLP syndrome. It wasn’t a normal voicemail. 10:23pm. Hearing that your baby cousin is an hour old…weighs 15 ounces…and is 11 inches long… she and your aunt survived the emergency c-section…they’re both in ICU. It wasn’t a normal night…your RA’s and SLD partner praying with you for hours…sleeping with the phone next to your ear…just in case. Calling your cousin 8 hours away...and having to have her talk you out of dropping out and going home for the semester (twice)…realizing that God is bigger than this and we are where we need to be…for some reason.
January 11- Quiet Time-Utmost For His Highest

“Beware of the inclination to dictate to God what consequences you would allow as a condition of your obedience to Him.”

Her pictures were on my door, as I do whenever there’s a new baby…but these pictures were next to the latest updates from the NICU. It wasn’t the normal, “Congrats on your new cousin.” No one knew what to say, or how to say it.
The next month in RHLM would be a (planned in October) study on brokenness. I have to admit…I was not excited about studying brokenness while my baby cousin was in a NICU an hour away. Every song seemed to have a message of hope in suffering or giving everything up to the One who is in control. “I Surrender All”, “Blessed Be Your Name”, “Jesus Bring the Rain” were songs that I had loved for a long time, but they took on an entirely different meaning. Going home the day she had surgery to close the hole in her heart and holding her entire foot with the tips of my fingers…just staring at Hannah Grace. Leaving the NICU was tough…my “oldest cousin” instincts were telling me to stay…just stay and stare at her.
Overhearing that she was getting sicker…texting my team…individually…only to find out later that most of them were together, and stopped what they were doing to pray for Hannah.
Another week at school…another week of keeping up with the updates and keeping up with who wanted updates. Coming back to the dorm and getting swallowed by hugs from my roommate. Trying to keep a normal schedule…never, ever, turning the phone off or putting it out of arms reach. Hoping, praying, and hoping some more.
January 22- QT- Utmost For His Highest-

“Wake yourself up and look to God. Build your hope on Him. No matter how many things seem to be pressing in on you, be determined to push them aside and look to Him.”

Wednesday morning, a girl sings “Held” by Natalie Grant in convo. Hoping that song won’t be applicable to your life.
Hearing a noise out in the quad…opening your door to see your entire leadership team and some girls from your hall there, asking if they can pray with you for a baby they’ll never meet this side of Heaven. Hearing sermons on miracles, and signs and wonders, wondering if it’s a sign that we’re getting a miracle. Never losing hope. Learning that joy is not attached to happiness. Learning that you are not in control.
January 25-Utmost-Leave Room for God

"As servants of God, we must learn to make room for Him--to give God ‘elbow room.’ We plan and figure and predict that this or that will happen, but we forget to make room for God to come in as He chooses. Would we be surprised if God came into our meeting or into our preaching in a way we had never expected to come? Do not look for God to come in a particular way, but do look for Him. The way to make room for Him is to expect Him to come, but not in a certain way. No matter how well we may know God, the great lesson to learn is that He may break in at any minute. We tend to overlook this element of surprise, yet God never works in any other way. Suddenly--God meets our life—‘...when it pleased God...’ (Gal. 1:15)
Keep your life so constantly in touch with God that His surprising power can break through at any point. Live in a constant state of expectancy, and leave room for God to come in as He decides.”

January 27. Sunday morning. Johnnie Moore preached on Job. In fact, the whole semester would be on Job. Writing in the top corner of the first page of Job in your Bible as Johnnie says,

“The appropriate response to suffering is worship, and worship is the first act of faith.”

Go to Emily and Chelsey’s to hang out and do some laundry.
2:30pm- mom calls- Hannah’s not going to make it. Never losing hope. Trying not to cry. Trying to call people and get through the phone calls. Calling Sarah.
She went from the arms of her family into the arms of Jesus at 4pm. Trying to rationalize why…realizing that would never be possible. Trying to find a place to be alone…realizing that place does not exist on campus. Getting the, “Are you okay?” and learning that saying, “No.” is just fine. Coming across Psalm 139:13-16 and realizing, yet again, that you are not in control.
January 28- RHLM- continued study on brokenness

“You experience this joy in hopelessness, realizing that if you are ever to be raised up it must be by the hand of God….Whenever His hand is laid upon you, it gives inexpressible peace and comfort, and the sense that ‘underneath are the everlasting arms’ (Deut 33:27), full of support, provision, comfort, and strength.”

Going home for the funeral. Holding my other cousins so I would have something else to focus on…holding them a little tighter. Listening to “Dancing With the Angels” over and over and over…looking forward to day when we will dance together in Heaven.
Realizing that there will never be a complete family picture. Hoping that all of the younger ones will surrender their lives to Christ so all of us can be together some day.
Hannah Grace was here by the grace of God. She wasn’t supposed to survive the 17 days that she did. Her days on earth had a purpose…she was the tiniest person I’ve ever seen…but she was a person. Missing her. A lot. Wondering what she would be like today, on her first birthday. What she would have become. What her voice sounded like. What her laugh sounded like. Realizing, once again, Psalm 139:13-16. Realizing that I will never understand why.
For those of you who were a part of my life at that time, especially my close friends and my leadership team, thank you for the hugs, prayers, and more hugs. I don’t know what I would have done without all of you.
Happy Birthday, Hannah Banana! We’ll see you again, when we’re dancing with the angels.

Homesick

I know I've been posting a lot of songs the last few days, but for those of you who know me, you know that music is my second heartbeat. Music is how I express thoughts, feelings, fears, so if you want to get inside my head, you might as well browse my iTunes... Today was tough. Not only was yesterday Hannah's funeral, but today is 5 years since Grandaddy Peters died. So, I'm more Homesick now than ever.

You're in a better place,
I've heard a thousand times
And at least a thousand times
I've rejoiced for you
But the reason why I'm broken,
the reason why I cry
Is how long must I wait to be with you

I close my eyes and I see your face
If home's where my heart is then I'm out of place
Lord, won't you give me strength to make it through somehow
I've never been more homesick than now

Help me Lord cause I don't understand your ways
The reason why I wonder if I'll ever know
But, even if you showed me, the hurt would be the same
Cause I'm still here so far away from home

I close my eyes and I see your face
If home's where my heart is then I'm out of place
Lord, won't you give me strength to make it through somehow
I've never been more homesick than now

In Christ, there are no goodbyes
And in Christ, there is no end
So I'll hold onto Jesus with all that I have
To see you again
To see you again

And I close my eyes and I see your face
If home's where my heart is then I'm out of place
Lord, won't you give me strength to make it through somehow
Won't you give me strength to make it through somehow
Won't you give me strength to make it through somehow

I've never been more homesick than now

----------------
Now playing: MercyMe - Homesick

Dancing With the Angels

Memories surround me
But sadness has found me
I’d do anything for more time
Never before has someone meant more
And I can’t get you out of my mind

There is so much that I don’t understand
But I know…

You’re dancing with the angels
Walking in new life
You’re dancing with the angels
Heaven fills your eyes
Now that you’re dancing with the angels

You had love for your family
Love for all people
Love for the Father, and Son
Your heart will be heard
In your unspoken words
Through generations to come

There is so much that I don’t understand
But I know

You’re dancing with the angels
Walking in new life
You’re dancing with the angels
Heaven fills your eyes
Now that you’re dancing with the angels

We’re only here for such a short time
So I’m gonna’ stand up, shout out,
And sing Hallelujah
One day I’ll see you again

You’re dancing with the angels
Walking in new life
You’re dancing with the angels
Heaven fills your eyes
Now that you’re dancing with the angels

----------------
Now playing: Monk & Neagle - Dancing With the Angels

Praise You in This Storm

I was sure by now
God, You would have reached down
And wiped our tears away
Stepped in and saved the day
But once again, I say "Amen", and it's still raining

As the thunder rolls
I barely hear You whisper through the rain
"I'm with You"
And as Your mercy falls
I raise my hands and praise the God who gives
And takes away

I'll praise You in this storm
And I will lift my hands
For You are who You are
No matter where I am
Every tear I've cried
You hold in Your hand
You never left my side
And though my heart is torn
I will praise You in this storm

I remember when
I stumbled in the wind
You heard my cry
You raised me up again
My strength is almost gone
How can I carry on
If I can't find You

As the thunder rolls
I barely hear You whisper through the rain
"I'm with You"
And as Your mercy falls
I raise my hands and praise the God who gives
And takes away

I lift my eyes unto the hills
Where does my help come from?
My help comes from the Lord
The Maker of Heaven and Earth

Though my heart is torn
I will praise You in this storm

----------------
Now playing: Casting Crowns - Praise You In This Storm

Elbow Room

The past 16 days have been the most unexpected of my life. No one assumes a child will be born prematurely. Watching God work these past two weeks and my dorm and my friends come together to pray for someone they may never meet has been incredible. Yesterday, I opened my devotional to January 25th and starting reading. I decided to post it here so I can share it with those who need it.

Leave Room for God

As servants of God, we must learn to make room for Him--to give God "elbow room." We plan and figure and predict that this or that will happen, but we forget to make room for God to come in as He choses. Would we be surprised if God came into our meeting or into our preaching in a way we had never expected to come? Do not look for God to come in a particular way, but do look for Him. The way to make room for Him is to expect Him to come, but not in a certain way. No matter how well we may know God, the great lesson to learn is that He may break in at any minute. We tend to overlook this element of surprise, yet God never works in any other way. Suddenly--God meets our life--"...when it pleased God..." (Gal. 1:15)
Keep your life so constantly in touch with God that His surprising power can break through at any point. Live in a constant state of expectancy, and leave room for God to come in as He decides.

Hannah Banana

www.caringbridge.org/visit/hannahlucas
Click on "Journal" for updates

All I’ve got, all I am, all MY dreams, and all MY plans

I’m holding back, I’m holding NOTHING back from You.

I surrender it ALL, I lay it before You,

For all of my days, I’ll give You the glory,

You caused me to see, My heart is divided,

Lord, take all of me, ‘cause I have decided.

All I’ve got, all I am, all MY dreams, and all MY plans

I’m holding back, I’m holding NOTHING back from You.

Whatever it takes, I trust You completely

I’m here in Your hands, If You need to break me.

All I’ve got, all I am, all MY dreams, and all MY plans

I’m holding back, I’m holding NOTHING back from You.

I surrender it ALL, I lay it before You,

For all of my days, I’ll give You the glory,

You caused me to see, My heart is divided,

Lord, take all of me, ‘cause I have decided.

All I’ve got, all I am, all MY dreams, and all MY plans

I’m holding back, I’m holding NOTHING back from You.