One Year

January 10, 2008. 6:15pm. It wasn’t a normal phone call. Your aunt’s in the hospital…24 weeks pregnant…HELLP syndrome. It wasn’t a normal voicemail. 10:23pm. Hearing that your baby cousin is an hour old…weighs 15 ounces…and is 11 inches long… she and your aunt survived the emergency c-section…they’re both in ICU. It wasn’t a normal night…your RA’s and SLD partner praying with you for hours…sleeping with the phone next to your ear…just in case. Calling your cousin 8 hours away...and having to have her talk you out of dropping out and going home for the semester (twice)…realizing that God is bigger than this and we are where we need to be…for some reason.
January 11- Quiet Time-Utmost For His Highest

“Beware of the inclination to dictate to God what consequences you would allow as a condition of your obedience to Him.”

Her pictures were on my door, as I do whenever there’s a new baby…but these pictures were next to the latest updates from the NICU. It wasn’t the normal, “Congrats on your new cousin.” No one knew what to say, or how to say it.
The next month in RHLM would be a (planned in October) study on brokenness. I have to admit…I was not excited about studying brokenness while my baby cousin was in a NICU an hour away. Every song seemed to have a message of hope in suffering or giving everything up to the One who is in control. “I Surrender All”, “Blessed Be Your Name”, “Jesus Bring the Rain” were songs that I had loved for a long time, but they took on an entirely different meaning. Going home the day she had surgery to close the hole in her heart and holding her entire foot with the tips of my fingers…just staring at Hannah Grace. Leaving the NICU was tough…my “oldest cousin” instincts were telling me to stay…just stay and stare at her.
Overhearing that she was getting sicker…texting my team…individually…only to find out later that most of them were together, and stopped what they were doing to pray for Hannah.
Another week at school…another week of keeping up with the updates and keeping up with who wanted updates. Coming back to the dorm and getting swallowed by hugs from my roommate. Trying to keep a normal schedule…never, ever, turning the phone off or putting it out of arms reach. Hoping, praying, and hoping some more.
January 22- QT- Utmost For His Highest-

“Wake yourself up and look to God. Build your hope on Him. No matter how many things seem to be pressing in on you, be determined to push them aside and look to Him.”

Wednesday morning, a girl sings “Held” by Natalie Grant in convo. Hoping that song won’t be applicable to your life.
Hearing a noise out in the quad…opening your door to see your entire leadership team and some girls from your hall there, asking if they can pray with you for a baby they’ll never meet this side of Heaven. Hearing sermons on miracles, and signs and wonders, wondering if it’s a sign that we’re getting a miracle. Never losing hope. Learning that joy is not attached to happiness. Learning that you are not in control.
January 25-Utmost-Leave Room for God

"As servants of God, we must learn to make room for Him--to give God ‘elbow room.’ We plan and figure and predict that this or that will happen, but we forget to make room for God to come in as He chooses. Would we be surprised if God came into our meeting or into our preaching in a way we had never expected to come? Do not look for God to come in a particular way, but do look for Him. The way to make room for Him is to expect Him to come, but not in a certain way. No matter how well we may know God, the great lesson to learn is that He may break in at any minute. We tend to overlook this element of surprise, yet God never works in any other way. Suddenly--God meets our life—‘...when it pleased God...’ (Gal. 1:15)
Keep your life so constantly in touch with God that His surprising power can break through at any point. Live in a constant state of expectancy, and leave room for God to come in as He decides.”

January 27. Sunday morning. Johnnie Moore preached on Job. In fact, the whole semester would be on Job. Writing in the top corner of the first page of Job in your Bible as Johnnie says,

“The appropriate response to suffering is worship, and worship is the first act of faith.”

Go to Emily and Chelsey’s to hang out and do some laundry.
2:30pm- mom calls- Hannah’s not going to make it. Never losing hope. Trying not to cry. Trying to call people and get through the phone calls. Calling Sarah.
She went from the arms of her family into the arms of Jesus at 4pm. Trying to rationalize why…realizing that would never be possible. Trying to find a place to be alone…realizing that place does not exist on campus. Getting the, “Are you okay?” and learning that saying, “No.” is just fine. Coming across Psalm 139:13-16 and realizing, yet again, that you are not in control.
January 28- RHLM- continued study on brokenness

“You experience this joy in hopelessness, realizing that if you are ever to be raised up it must be by the hand of God….Whenever His hand is laid upon you, it gives inexpressible peace and comfort, and the sense that ‘underneath are the everlasting arms’ (Deut 33:27), full of support, provision, comfort, and strength.”

Going home for the funeral. Holding my other cousins so I would have something else to focus on…holding them a little tighter. Listening to “Dancing With the Angels” over and over and over…looking forward to day when we will dance together in Heaven.
Realizing that there will never be a complete family picture. Hoping that all of the younger ones will surrender their lives to Christ so all of us can be together some day.
Hannah Grace was here by the grace of God. She wasn’t supposed to survive the 17 days that she did. Her days on earth had a purpose…she was the tiniest person I’ve ever seen…but she was a person. Missing her. A lot. Wondering what she would be like today, on her first birthday. What she would have become. What her voice sounded like. What her laugh sounded like. Realizing, once again, Psalm 139:13-16. Realizing that I will never understand why.
For those of you who were a part of my life at that time, especially my close friends and my leadership team, thank you for the hugs, prayers, and more hugs. I don’t know what I would have done without all of you.
Happy Birthday, Hannah Banana! We’ll see you again, when we’re dancing with the angels.

How Many Kings?

So...a real post is coming soon, but I want to share this song.

How Many Kings-downhere
Follow the star to a place unexpected
Would you believe after all we’ve projected
A child in a manger
Lowly and small, the weakest of all
Unlikeliest hero, wrapped in his mothers shawl
Just a child
Is this who we’ve waited for?
Cause how many kings, stepped down from their thrones?
How many lords have abandoned their homes?
How many greats have become the least for me?
How many Gods have poured out their hearts
To romance a world that has torn all apart?
How many fathers gave up their sons for me?
Bringing our gifts for the newborn savior
All that we have whether costly or meek
Because we believe
Gold for his honor and frankincense for his pleasure
And myrrh for the cross he’ll suffer
Do you believe, is this who we’ve waited for?
It’s who we’ve waited for
How many kings, stepped down from their thrones?
How many lords have abandoned their homes?
How many greats have become the least for me?
How many Gods have poured out their hearts
To romance a world that has torn all apart?
How many fathers gave up their sons for me?
Only one did that for me
All for me
All for you
All for me
All for you

Somewhere in the Middle

So, the Casting Crowns concert was last night. I’m not sure why, but their concerts always seem to “get” me.

I have loved Voice of Truth since High School, and they sang it last night, followed by Somewhere in the Middle, from their new album. I’ve listened to it a few times, but it became one of favorites after last night.

The last half of the song says:

Somewhere between my heart and my hands

Somewhere between my faith and my plans

Somewhere between the safety of the boat and the crashing waves

Somewhere between a whisper and a roar

Somewhere between the altar and the door

Somewhere between contented peace and always wanting more

Somewhere in the middle You’ll find me

Just how close can I get, Lord, to my surrender without losing all control

Fearless warriors in a picket fence

Reckless abandon wrapped in common sense

Deep water faith in the shallow end

and we are caught in the middle

With eyes wide open to the differences

the God we want and the God who is

but will we trade our dreams for His

or are we caught in the middle

Lord, I feel You in this place and I know You’re by my side

Loving me even on these nights when I’m caught in the middle

Most of you know that I want to be a Special Ed teacher…

Some of you know that my BHAG…Big Hairy Audacious Goal (Thanks Dr. Falwell)…is to open a Christian School with a strong Special Ed program, so that all families will have access to a Christian education, no matter what disabilities or challenges their children have.

I’ve had these goals for a while, and my mind has been so focused on them that I haven’t really been paying attention to the path God seems to be leading me down.

Last Spring Break, I was in NYC. This was my third time in The City, but it was my first mission trip. We worked at Manhattan Christian School, sleeping in the classrooms in Washington Heights (Spanish Harlem). I fell in love with that school, and Manhattan Bible Church. When you think of church in NYC, I had always imagined Catholic churches or a mega church, like Brooklyn Tabernacle, and thought I would never find a “small” Baptist church like I’m used to. But, I found one. It runs the school. I miss it.

I really feel that God wants me to go back…to teach at MCA, but it freaks me out.

I grew up here:

Not exactly the Big Apple. Growing up in a small town doesn’t prepare one to live in NYC. But, God doesn’t necessarily called the equipped…He equips those who are called.

Here are the full lyrics to Somewhere in the Middle:

Somewhere between the hot and the cold

Somewhere between the new and the old

Somewhere between who I am and who I used to be

Somewhere in the middle, you'll find me

Somewhere between the wrong and the right

Somewhere between the darkness and the light

Somewhere between who I was and who You're making me

Somewhere in the middle, you'll find me

Just how close can I get, Lord, to my surrender

without losing all control

Fearless warriors in a picket fence

Reckless abandon wrapped in common sense

Deep water faith in the shallow end

and we are caught in the middle

With eyes wide open to the differences

the God we want and the God who is

but will we trade our dreams for His

or are we caught in the middle

Somewhere between my heart and my hands

Somewhere between my faith and my plans

Somewhere between the safety of the boat and the crashing waves

Somewhere between a whisper and a roar

Somewhere between the altar and the door

Somewhere between contented peace and always wanting more

Somewhere in the middle You’ll find me

Just how close can I get, Lord, to my surrender without losing all control

Fearless warriors in a picket fence

Reckless abandon wrapped in common sense

Deep water faith in the shallow end

and we are caught in the middle

With eyes wide open to the differences

the God we want and the God who is

but will we trade our dreams for His

or are we caught in the middle

Lord, I feel You in this place and I know You’re by my side

Loving me even on these nights when I’m caught in the middle

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Now playing: Casting Crowns - Somewhere In The Middle

No Excuses...

The next time you feel like God can’t use you, just remember...
Noah was a drunk
Abraham was too old
Isaac was a daydreamer

Jacob was a liar
Leah was ugly
Joseph was abused
Moses had a stuttering problem
Gideon was afraid
Samson was a womanizer
Rahab was a prostitute
Jeremiah and Timothy were too young
David had an affair AND he was a murderer
Elijah was suicidal
Isaiah preached naked
Jonah ran from God
Naomi was a widow
Job went bankrupt
Peter denied Christ
The disciples fell asleep while praying
Martha worried about everything
The Samaritan woman was divorced, more than once!
Zaccheus was too small
Paul was too religious
Timothy had an ulcer... and
Lazarus was dead!

I have no excuses…but I have the same God.

Jesus, Bring the Rain

I remember the Praise Band singing this the first week of school,
but I just heard it again today, and it hit me in a completely different way...

Bring the Rain

I can count a million times
People asking me how I
Can praise You with all that
I've gone through
The question just amazes me
Can circumstances possibly
Change who I forever am in You

Maybe since my life was changed
Long before these rainy days
It's never really ever crossed my mind
To turn my back on you, oh Lord
My only shelter from the storm
But instead I draw closer through these times
So I pray

Bring me joy, bring me peace
Bring the chance to be free
Bring me anything that brings You glory
And I know there'll be days
When this life brings me pain
But if that's what it takes to Praise You
Jesus, bring the rain

I am yours regardless of the clouds
that may loom above because
You are much greater than my pain
You who made a way for me
suffering Your destiny
So tell me whats a little rain?

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Now playing: MercyMe - Bring the Rain

None But Jesus

Have you ever gone to church and thought that the Praise Band
has been shadowing your life? They sang this song tonight,
and that's how I felt, so I thought I would share it.

None But Jesus

Hillsong



In the quiet

In the stillness

I know that You are God

In the secret of Your presence

I know there I am restored

When You call I won't refuse

Each new day again I'll choose

There is no one else for me

None but Jesus

Crucified to set me free

Now I live to bring Him praise

In the chaos in confusion

I know You're sovereign still

In the moment of my weakness

You give me grace to do Your will

When You call I won't delay

This my song through all my days

All my delight is in You Lord

All of my hope

All of my strength

All my delight is in You Lord

Forever more

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Now playing: Hillsong - None But Jesus

Brokenness

I have learned over the past month that God sometimes needs to bring you to your worst, on your face before Him, before He can start to put the pieces back together and get you back on your feet. We don't always understand why stuff happens, and there are times where no one can see the "good" that could possibly come out of a situation.
Over the past month, our leadership team has been studying Brokenness, as I watch my family crumble.
My devotion on February 6th was, "Are You Ready To Be Poured Out As an Offering?"

Are you ready to be poured out as an offering? It is an act of your will, not your emotions. Tell God you are ready to be offered as a sacrifice for Him. Then accept the consequences as they come, without any complaints, in spite of what God may send your way. God sends you through a crisis in private, where no other person can help you. From the outside, your life may appear to be the same, but the difference is taking place in your will. Once you have experienced the crisis in your will, you will take no thought of the cost when it begins to affect you externally. If you don't deal with God on the level of your will first, the result will be only to arouse sympathy for yourself. "Bind the sacrifice with cords to the horn of the altar" (Psalm 11:27). You must be willing to be placed on the altar and go through the fire; willing to experience what the altar represents--burning, purifications, and separation for only one purpose--elimination of every desire and affection not grounded in or directed toward God. But you don 't eliminate it, God does. You "bind the sacrifice...to the horns of the altar" and see to it that you don't wallow in self-pity once the fire begins. After you have gone through the fire, there will be nothing that will be able to trouble or depress you. When another crisis arises, you will realize that things cannot touch you as they used to do. What fire lies ahead in you life?
Tell God you are ready to be poured out as an offering, and God will prove Himself to be all you ever dreamed He would be.
My Utmost for His Highest
Oswald Chambers

We all know that nothing takes God by surprise, and He knows what is best, and everything will work out according to His purpose, but it takes a while to get it. Grief lasts a long time. The pain lasts longer. But, it is the surrender to God's will that begins the healing process--when you are on your face, giving every tear to Him.

"The appropriate response to suffering is worship, and worship is the first act of faith."
~Johnnie Moore, Campus Church--Job, January 27, 2008

Only You

David Crowder

Take my heart, I Lay it down

At the feet of you whose crowned

Take my life, I’m letting go

I lift it upto You who’s throned

And I will worship You, Lord

Only You, Lord

And I will bow down before You

Only You Lord

Take my fret, take my fear

All I have, I’m leaving here

Be all my hopes, be all my dreams

Be all my delights, be my everything

And It’s just you and me here now

Only you and me here now

You should see the view

When it’s only You

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Now playing: David Crowder - Only You